


Selene

by hellotweetygirl



Category: SHINee
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Graphic Description, Grief/Mourning, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 08:46:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10082024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellotweetygirl/pseuds/hellotweetygirl
Summary: Junghee and Jinki make a pilgrimage to a very important place for a very personal memorial.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This was written for a challenge I was given from @shinyaqua on tumblr. 
> 
> _Prompt: “You are unsure of which pain is worse- the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.” -Simon Van Booy, Everything Beautiful Began After_

The car is quiet as they head out. Barely the sound of their breathing disturbs the air that is thick between them, heavy with the knowledge of what is ahead.

Junghee fidgets in her spot in the passenger side and carefully outlines the pink envelope that lies neatly on her purse. The motion calms her and over and over she fingers the edges being careful to never crease their perfect crispness or leave a mark.

She treasures the words that are inside. She has agonized over them for weeks’ knowing today was coming. She has been eager for them to be spoken. Has been eager for the peace she hopes they will settle into her heart. 

As Jinki makes the smooth turn onto the onramp for the highway he reaches for the radio and gives the dial a flick. Junghee shoots him a look and just as quickly as the notes of the announcer’s voice come into being they are silenced.

“Sorry,” he croaks in a broken whisper.

Junghee smiles tightly and reaches over to rest her hand on his thigh. She needs connection from him right now; she needs to know that they are in tandem. Jinki returns the same smile to her and pats her hand, gently thumbing over her fingers. He circles her wedding band and rubs at it and Junghee feels the pull and the tug all the way to her heart. She rolls her hand over and entwines their fingers securing them tightly with intent. He is her rock. The one who has kept her sane these last months. The one she loves. She is never letting go of this man’s hands.

Junghee thought a lot about connections of late, of what binds people to each other…and of what separates them. The ancient Romans believed that the wedding band should be placed on the fourth finger of the left hand because an artery to the heart tied the two together. Their romantic notions had been disproven by modern medical science of course but Junghee was all for symbolism and metaphor and so she relished the feel of the thin strip of gold melding to her finger because it meant Jinki was never far from her thoughts. And if he was never far from her thoughts then maybe he wouldn’t ever slip through her fingers and disappear.

Too much had slipped through her fingers this year; she wasn’t taking any chances on the future.

Quicker than she expected they arrive at their destination.

Jinki swings into a parking place and shuts off the car. They both sit there in the silence looking ahead and collecting their courage.

The pressure around Junghee’s hand increases as Jinki reassures her of his presence. She looks to him gratefully and when she nods it’s understood without words that they are in this together and they will move forward together.

Jinki gets out and retrieves the basket from the back of the car as Junghee unfolds herself from the ridged position she had unconsciously been holding herself in. Jinki comes to her side gently grasping her waist and guides her the short distance down the walkway into the memorial gardens. The day is beautiful and as picturesque as could be wished. Deep blue skies are highlighted by wisps of cotton white clouds. The air is mild and as they approach the entrance she can smell the mixed fragrance the blossoms give off under the warmth of the sun. 

There are other people milling about, each making their own pilgrimages, but as they draw closer to their own spot Junghee wishes they all would disappear. She feels as though they are intruders on her time and her space. She doesn’t want other people to see her most private moments. She feels fragile and liable to break without warning.

When Jinki finds it they both are held transfixed by the letters and solitary date carved into the stone.

Slowly he slips from her side and begins unpacking their provisions. A blanket comes out first and is laid before the pillar. Next are still hot containers of rice cake soup, and several other delicacies Junghee has prepared. Jinki prepares it all arranging it with care as Junghee remains rooted to her spot, unable to take another step forward.

With a force that surprises her all the memories of the past year flood back into her immediate vision.

She had been running errands alone when it had begun. The tight pull and twist of something deep in her rounded belly had sent her grabbing for the support of the fishmongers stacked crates of ice encrusted fish. The ajumma behind the stall had rushed to her side as she cried out in pain. That woman’s kindness had seen her into a taxi with scolded instructions to go to the hospital but Junghee had instead redirected the man back to their own tiny little apartment. She was in her final weeks of pregnancy and she had been feeling all sorts of pains as her body prepared to give birth- she was sure this was just one more in that process.

The pain didn’t let up however, it only got worse.

It was only when she began to bleed that she had begun to panic. With shaking hands she had dialed Jinki and with trembling voice she told him to hurry.

It had been too late.

It had all been too late.

By the time she reached the emergency room she knew without a doubt something was horribly wrong. The pain was excruciating and as she sat behind the little curtained cubical and waited for the doctor to come her body had let everything go in a rush of blood and fluids that covered both her and the floor.

She looked to Jinki in a moment of sheer terror that she had never known before and had begun to scream.

Everything after that was a blur.

When the doctor placed the swaddled bundle of her little girl into Junghee’s arms a few hours later her stillness broke them both.

Junghee held her close, daring fate to take this moment from her after everything else it had stolen away, and time had slowed to a crawl. She would have only these few minutes to love her child, to trace her perfect features, and to feel the softness of her skin- and she would not be doubly robbed.

Jinki wrapped his arms around his girls and wept with raw abandon.

Junghee shook her head and blinked furiously at the welling tears that accompany the memory.

She is supposed to be strong today, for her daughter.

When Jinki beckons her over however Junghee sinks to the cold ground and her tears that have been so closely guarded in recent months, the tears that she thought she had run dry, burst forth.

Sobs wrack her body but she feels warmth slide around her back and wrap around her middle holding her up and securing her. When Jinki’s tears are felt hot and wet on the back of her neck she looks around to him and sees his face crumpled into a mask of grief that matches hers. Junghee is unsure of which pain is worse- the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.

They stay like that wound as tightly together as they can be for some time until the tears clear for them both.

Together they kneel side by side and offer up prayers. Junghee opens her envelope and reads the words she has written to her child, half poetry and half longing her words feel good to voice, and to let the world know even in the distance between them her love will be devoted and unfading. Jinki hums his agreement to them and tells her what a good job she’s done in expressing both their hearts. His praise brings a teary smile to her lips.

When it’s time to go she raises to her feet unsteadily and Jinki assists her gain her balance. He repacks the things quietly. Jinki offers her his hand and gives a small nod towards the entrance. She’s unwilling to go so quickly. She wants to linger, she wants not to have to walk away. Jinki takes her hand and holds it gently.

“We aren’t going to forget her sweetheart; we never could. She will always be a part of our lives. She will rest here peacefully, surrounded by beautiful things. But it’s time for us to move forward, I don’t want her memory always clouded by unhappy things. She has to know that we kept on living, for her, and that we lived with purpose and happiness. It’s the best way for us to honor her now.”

Jinki is right of course Junghee thinks. His openness in his grieving process has been a balm to her in the darkest of her days, it has helped her to structure her own hurt and process it. Now it is only fitting Jinki lead her out of grief and into hope.

Junghee leans forward and places a deep chaste kiss to her husband’s lips. She knows it conveys her emotions without words.

Jinki wraps an arm around her shoulders and she tucks in close to him and together, just as they silently promised before, they walk forward. Together. Junghee may not know what the future holds for them but she knows she can trust Jinki, and together they can live again. 

Together they can make Selene proud.


End file.
